What To Do if You Think Your Child is Gay - Tips From Christian Men
As president and founder of a global Christian men’s organization (Real Men Connect, Inc.), I deal with A LOT of men’s issues on a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis. And it seems like whatever struggle the men in my ministry are facing, 9 times out of 10, I’ve fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, experienced it myself. I’ve experienced and survived addiction, abuse, poverty, abandonment, rejection, adultery, suicide ideation, racism, church hurt, divorce, separation, and even the death of a child, just to name of few.
But every now and then, one of the men in our ministry will share a struggle with me, or in one of our brotherhood groups, that I’m unable to empathize or understand the struggle from a personal standpoint. And one of those cases is when a dad finds out that one of his children is gay.
As Christian parents, we dream of guiding our children to walk in God’s truth and fulfill His purpose for their lives. But what do you do when that journey takes an unexpected turn, and your child reveals something that challenges your faith, your beliefs, and perhaps even your understanding of love—like telling you they’re gay?
If or when it happens, this is not a moment to panic or rush to conclusions; but rather an opportunity to lean into your faith, seek God’s wisdom, and respond with the love and grace of Jesus Christ.
What To Do If You Think Your Christian Child Is Gay
As a leader of a Christian men’s organization, I’m so thankful I’m not pressured to have all the answers, because my men know we serve a God who does; and He has blessed and surrounded me with other godly men who know even more than I do when it comes to this topic. That’s why brotherhood is so important, because one of us will never be smarter than all of us when we come together.
The men in our organization who’ve experienced this situation with their children have shared with me some practical and biblical steps to take when (or if) you find yourself navigating this journey with your child.
1. Pay Attention to the Signs:
I learned from my men that one of the reasons they’ve struggled with learning that their child was gay, was the unexpected shock and surprise of the news. The dads I’ve talked to said things like:
“I didn’t see this coming.”
“I didn’t have a clue.”
“I never suspected it.”
“I thought it was just a phase.”
“He/she never said anything to me about it.”
Of course, hindsight is always 20/20; so, try following the advice that some of these dads shared with me to help you see some of the signs we often miss when a child is struggling with this or her sexual identity:
Recurring desire to be the opposite sex
An affinity to cross dress (even if it’s just for laughs)
A strong and persistent preference for cross gender roles in make-believe play; persistent fantasies of being the opposite sex
An intense desire to participate in stereotypical games and hobbies of the opposite sex
A strong preference of friends of the opposite sex
No, there is no guarantee that your child is going to identify with being gay because of these signs, but at the minimum, it will give you an opportunity to openly discuss their sexuality with them – free of shame, guilt, or condemnation.
2. Take Time to Process Your Emotions
If your child does indeed reveal he or she is gay, it’s going to be natural for you to experience a range of emotions. You may feel shocked, grieved, or even betrayed, especially if this revelation seems to go against your faith and the Christian values you’ve instilled in them. So, take time to acknowledge and process these emotions before responding to your child.
I was an educator before I became a dad, so I actually prepared my heart BEFORE my child was born on how I would choose to process my emotions and respond to him if he ever choose to either go against our Christian values or abandoned our Christian faith altogether. I wanted to be emotionally ready.
I knew I would have to bring my feelings to God in prayer. The psalms remind us that God is big enough to handle our confusion, anger, and sorrow. Psalm 62:8 encourages us to “pour out [our] hearts before Him; God is a refuge for us.” So, be honest with God about your struggles, and ask Him to give you clarity, peace, and wisdom in how to move forward with your son or daughter.
Remember, your emotions are valid, but they should not control or dictate your response. Responding in anger, fear, or disappointment can damage your relationship with your child and make it harder for them to feel safe sharing their heart with you in the future.
3. Seek to Understand Before Judging
And how do you do that? By listening with love and compassion, not contempt. When your child opens up to you about their sexuality, they are sharing a deeply personal and vulnerable part of themselves. Your first response is crucial. Resist the urge to lecture, correct, or immediately jump into a theological discussion. Instead, just listen.
James 1:19 reminds us to “be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” Listening does not mean you have to agree or approve, but it does mean you respect your child enough to hear their heart. Ask thoughtful questions, such as:
"How long have you felt this way?"
“When did you first become aware of your attraction to the same sex?”
“What was your initial reactions to those feelings?
"What has this journey been like for you?"
“Have you talked to anyone else about them? Who?”
"How can I best support you right now?"
By listening, you may discover that your child may just be “thinking” they’re gay more so than actually “believing” they’re gay. So, try to understand where on the journey your child is (i.e., just curious about it, experimenting/acting out, or trying to identify as gay).
Ultimately, your child needs to know that your love for them is not conditional on their sexuality. So, assure them of your unwavering love, just as God’s love for us is steadfast and unchanging.
4. Turn to God and His Word
As a Christian, our faith is our foundation, and God’s Word is our guide. This moment is an opportunity to deepen your reliance on Scripture and prayer. So, ask God to give you wisdom, understanding, and a heart that reflects His love to your child.
It’s important to study and understand what the Bible says about sexuality and marriage, but it’s equally important to study how Jesus interacted with people who were marginalized, misunderstood, or living outside of God’s design. Jesus modeled a perfect balance of truth and grace. He never compromised God’s truth, but He always led with love, compassion, and a heart for restoration.
But be careful how you define and explain “love” to your child. Let your child know that love does not mean acceptance/agreement; love is loving others despite disagreement. Then continually affirm your love for them; assure them, like God, your love for them will always remain.
Passages like 1 Corinthians 13:1 remind us that without love, even the best theological arguments fall flat. So, pray for the Holy Spirit to guide your words and actions so that you reflect Christ’s love and truth to your child.
5.Make Sure You Don't Internalize Guilt
We talked about you processing your emotions earlier, but one emotion I didn’t mention is guilt, and possibly even shame.
As a parent, let alone as a Christian parent, it’s easy to internalize the decisions our children make by making it more about us, as dads, as opposed to their ability and responsibility for making their own choices.
Especially if we don’t agree with our children’s decisions, it’s quite natural to take it personally wondering, “Where did I go wrong?" or "Did I fail as a parent?" But it’s important to recognize that your child’s sexuality is not necessarily a reflection of your parenting.
Whether you played a role in their decision or not, it’s important to understand that we, as Christian fathers, have a responsibility TO our children, but we’re not responsible FOR their choices. That’s not giving you a free pass as a parent, but it’s freeing you from walking around in self-condemnation.
The truth of the matter is, even if you are the “perfect dad,” that doesn’t guarantee your children will always make good choices. Just think about God; He is the perfect Father, and He had two children who both disobeyed Him. Does that make Him any less of a father or a “bad parent”? Absolutely not, it just means God has blessed us with less than “perfect” children. He didn’t give us “perfection;” He gave us something else called “free will” that allows us to make our own choices.
6. Seek Wise Counsel
This is a challenging journey, and you don’t have to navigate it alone. Reach out to trusted Christian mentors, counselors, or pastors who can provide biblical guidance and emotional support. Look for individuals who can speak truth into your life while also encouraging you to love your child well.
I told you earlier, I haven’t personally experienced one of my children declaring they’re gay; however, we have dads in our community who children have, and they’re willing to share their experiences with us – the good, the bad, and the ugly lessons they’ve learned from their experience.
But make sure when you’re seeking counsel to be cautious about seeking advice from people who may react harshly or judgmentally, as this could cause more harm than good. Find someone who will pray with you, walk alongside you, and remind you of God’s faithfulness in difficult times.
There are also Christian ministries and resources specifically designed to support families navigating this issue. They can provide tools, testimonies, and insights to help you balance truth and love in your relationship with your child.
7. Love Your Child as God Loves You
God’s love for us is unconditional, and as dads, we are called to reflect that love to our children. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with every decision your child makes, but it does mean that your love should never waver.
Romans 5:8 reminds us that “God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” None of us are perfect, yet God’s love for us remains steadfast. So, show your child the same kind of love—a love that is patient, kind, and enduring.
Practical ways to show love include spending quality time with your child, affirming their worth and value, and supporting them emotionally. Your relationship with your child is far more important than winning an argument or forcing them to see things your way.
8. Trust God With Your Child’s Journey
One of the hardest parts of parenting is realizing that we cannot control our children’s choices or their path. This is a moment to release your child into God’s hands and trust that He is at work in their life, even if you can’t see it.
Philippians 1:6 reminds us that “He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Trust that God’s plans for your child are still good and that He is faithful to pursue them with His love and grace.
Continue to pray for your child daily. Pray for their relationship with God, their understanding of His truth, and their peace and joy in life. Trust that God hears your prayers and is working in ways you may not yet see.
9. Extend Grace to Yourself
This journey is not only about your child; it’s also about your growth as a parent and a follower of Christ. You will make mistakes along the way. You may say the wrong thing, react out of fear, or struggle to reconcile your emotions with your faith. But give yourself grace.
God’s grace is sufficient for you (2 Corinthians 12:9). Lean on Him for strength, and don’t be afraid to apologize to your child if you mishandle a conversation. Humility and repentance can strengthen your relationship and show your child the power of God’s love at work in your life.
10. Build a Legacy of Faith and Love
At the end of the day, your goal as a Christian dad is to leave a legacy of faith and love for your family. Your child will remember how you responded during this time—whether with judgment and rejection or with compassion and grace. The choice is yours.
So, model what it means to follow Christ in both truth and love. Let your home be a safe place where your child feels loved, valued, and supported, even when you don’t see eye to eye with them. Your example can plant seeds of faith that God can water and grow in His timing.
Ultimately, as Christian parents, our highest calling is to love as Christ loves us—unconditionally, sacrificially, and with grace. Discovering that your child is gay may challenge your beliefs and stretch your faith, but it’s also an opportunity to deepen your reliance on God and reflect His love in ways that truly matter. Pray without ceasing, seek God’s wisdom in His Word, and trust that His plans for your child’s life are still good, even if they look different from what you envisioned.
Remember, your role is not to fix, judge, or condemn, but to walk alongside your child in love, truth, and humility—always pointing them to the One who can transform every heart, including your own.
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