7 Godly Ways To Deal With A Difficult Wife
As a husband, I want you to be honest with me.
Are you and your wife on the “same page” biblically and relationally when it comes to…
How to raise and discipline your children?
How to best manage and steward your finances?
Who’s responsible for the spiritual leadership of your family?
What boundaries are set and enforced for your in-laws, family, and friends?
What kind of school should your children attend?
What are the household responsibilities for each of you?
Where should your family live?
What church should your family join?
And need I ask…The frequency and timing of sex relations?
The Bible says in Amos 3:3, “How can two people walk together unless they agree?”
Now ask yourself, are there any two people more important, who need to walk together in agreement, than a husband and a wife?
Creating A Loving Relationship Requires Actions Rooted In Biblical Teachings
For husbands who find themselves struggling to maintain harmony at home, it is essential to approach your relationship with your wife with patience, understanding, and wisdom. Rooted in biblical teachings, there are time-honored principles that provide guidance on fostering a loving and respectful relationship, even in the face of conflict and disagreement.
I’m going to explore these principles with you, offering you practical advice and spiritual insights on how to effectively deal with an “unruly” wife, ultimately striving to restore peace and strength to your marital bond.
And at the end, I’m going to share with you a “key phrase” you can use to lead your wife delicately and spiritually when she’s being unruly or disagreeable.
How To Deal With A Disrespectful Wife & Honor God's Intention For Marriage
For now, let’s start with the basics that are rooted in scripture:
Love and Respect:
Ephesians 5:33 says, "However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."
This verse emphasizes the mutual respect and love that should be present in every marriage. And this is the first place to start when you find yourself in disagreement with your wife and you think she’s acting unruly.
Just because you don’t agree with each other, doesn’t mean you should stop loving and respecting her in the middle of the disagreement – even if she’s not being loving and respectful towards you. Just like it takes two to tango, it takes two to argue. But disagreement shouldn’t automatically equal disrespect; and it’s a lot easier to love someone when you’re being respectful.
Communication:
Proverbs 15:1 says, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
This goes with love and respect. Even when you disagree, start with effective and gentle communication to address conflicts and misunderstandings. They say it’s not just WHAT you say, but HOW you say it.
If there was one area where I struggle most when my wife is being unruly, this is the place. I’ve found that I can be loving, and I even can be respectful, but being gentle with my words and tone are another issue all together.
Over time, and after repeated “heated fellowships” with my wife, I’ve come to realize that tone, timing, and technique are critical for us staying on the same page and walking in agreement in our marriage.
Patience and Forgiveness:
Colossians 3:13 says, "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
Patience is the one thing every man needs but is afraid to ask God for (present company included). But whether you ask God for patience or not, He will allow situations to come into your marriage that stretch your ability to be patient and test your willingness to forgive.
Patience and forgiveness are not only crucial in maintaining a healthy and loving relationship with your wife, but it can be the elixir to heal hurting hearts when you’re in conflict with one another and you can’t agree on anything -- including the time of day.
Prayer:
Philippians 4:6 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
Praying for your wife and your marriage will not only bring peace to your relationship, it can also offer you guidance.
I often tell the men I train, “It’s more important to pray for your wife than it is to pray for your marriage.” Because God is more concerned about your individual souls than He is about your marriage. And the truth is, a healed and whole wife will help you have a healthier and fuller marriage.
But especially when your wife is being unruly; don’t just pray FOR your wife, also offer to pray WITH her. But specifically pray for the healing of her wounds, peace in her heart, strength for her soul, and for her to experience the wisdom and the love of God.
Seek Wise Counsel:
Proverbs 11:14 says, "Where there is no guidance, a people fall, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety."
Let’s face it, marriage is a team sport; and I’m not just talking about you and your wife. I’m also talking about the other special people who love you and your wife and want to see your marriage succeed.
Seeking advice from trusted and wise individuals, such as a pastor, spiritual mentor/coach, or a Christian counselor, can provide valuable insights and support.
The truth is a man is only as strong as his team; and that is especially true when it comes to your marriage. Many times, couples struggle to walk in agreement and resolve conflict because they’re too close to the problem they’re facing. Having wise, godly counsel can give you a new perspective you would otherwise miss – especially when you or your wife are being unruly.
Serve Each Other:
Galatians 5:13 says, "You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love."
Serving your spouse and putting their needs above your own can help to foster a spirit of cooperation and love especially when your spouse is being unruly. Yes, it’s easier said than done, but one of the best things you can do when your wife is being unruly is ask the Holy Spirit, “God, what can I do in this situation to serve and support my wife better?”
By taking the focus off her “unruly” behavior and being sensitive to the Holy Spirit, you will create space for God’s grace to do what’s best for your wife and your marriage in that situation -- not just what feels good or is most comfortable to you.
The Bible often refers to us (Believers) as the “Bride of Christ,” and there is no better example of how a groom loved his bride, sacrificially by serving, than how Jesus gave himself up for us, when we were “unruly” and even dishonoring towards him.
Set Boundaries:
Matthew 18:15-17 says, "If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector."
Setting healthy boundaries and addressing issues directly is important. That’s another reason seeking wise counsel is so critical. Most people misinterpret boundaries as being restrictive and even unloving or uncaring in a relationship. But it’s just the contrary.
Setting healthy boundaries is one of the most loving things you can establish in a marriage. Because healthy boundaries protect you, your wife, and your relationship with each other. Boundaries should never be selfish and only protect you and bring harm to others; they should always be rooted in mutual love and respect for one another.
By applying these seven biblical principles, you can work towards resolving conflicts and nurturing a stronger, more loving relationship with your spouse, even when she’s being unruly.
Focus on What God Wants & Allow Time For His Guidance
As I promised, I wanted to share one last thing I believe you should put in your marriage toolbox when your looking for help on how to deal with a disrespectful wife, or if she is being difficult or disagreeable during a conflict.
When spiritually leading your wife in a difficult conversation or discussing an important decision, where you both are struggling to agree, say (or paraphrase) the following:
"Honey, I love you, and I trust your wisdom. I just want what’s best for our family and to do whatever is most honoring to God in spiritually leading our family. It seems like we disagree on this, so let’s agree to take it to God and the Holy Spirit in prayer. And let’s come back to discuss it again, so we can see what the Holy Spirit reveals. Because how can two walk together as one unless they agree? Let’s try to focus on what God wants and what His best is for us in this situation. Okay?"
Here's the rationale and wisdom behind this communication strategy:
Whenever you and your wife are in conflict, this gets her to test the spirit BEFORE your disagreement escalates into an argument.
Just ASK your wife any of the following concerning any important disagreement:
Have you prayed on/about this yet?
What is God saying to you about it?
What does scripture have to say about it?
What did the Holy Spirit reveal to you about it?
Is that God's best for you, us (marriage), or our family?
What do you think would be most pleasing to God concerning this?
Creating A Harmonious Marriage Requires Intention
In closing, addressing the challenges of an unruly wife requires a combination of patience, love, and adherence to biblical principles. By fostering open communication, showing unwavering respect, and seeking divine guidance through prayer and the support of godly counsel, you can create an environment where mutual understanding and affection flourish.
Remember, marriage is a partnership rooted in commitment and compassion. By embodying these values and turning to scripture for wisdom, you can navigate conflicts and cultivate a harmonious and enduring relationship, reflecting the love and unity that God intended for your marriage.
