How Should A Man Love His Wife? A Christian Approach

A Biblical Way To Show Your Wife Love (That Really Works!)

Let’s face it; marriage is tough.  But what’s even tougher than being married is trying to figure out how to be a successful husband when you were never shown how.  How should a man love his wife? AND do it successfully if he has never had a man to model after? I often call this “man’s undiagnosed learning disability”: A.B.T. (Ain’t Been Taught).

If you’re like me and most of my friends (especially those I grew up with), you probably didn’t grow up with two parents in the household – or at least two emotionally healthy parents in the household.  So, most of what you probably learned about loving a woman was what “not” to do and what to “avoid” when it comes to being a “good husband.”

But the problem is, you can’t get to a destination by avoiding where you don’t want to go.

The Bible tells us (as husbands) in 1 Peter 3:7 to “Live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”

And the first thing we have to do, as husbands, in order to live with our wives in an understanding way is to learn to how to better understand their emotional needs.  And I can assure you, accomplishing this will take time, commitment, and consistency.

How a Man Should Love His Wife - Insight Into Your Wife's Needs

Allow me to give you a crash course on understanding your wife’s emotional needs so you will hopefully gain an easier path to her heart.

First, according to literally hundreds of studies about the emotional and relational needs of men and women, typically, a woman’s greatest emotional need is safety and security.  And if you’re curious, those studies show that a man’s greatest emotional need is to be respected and feel significant.  

So, the real question is how can we help our wives feel safe and secure in our marriage?  And believe it or not, there’s plenty we can do, but here’s four (4) places to start:

1. First, be physically present with your wife.  Whenever you’re communicating with your wife, simply try to be intentional by looking her in the eyes when she’s talking to you and by paying attention to her.  The message you’re communicating to her: “You matter to me.” 

2. Second, be mentally present with your wife.  Try to eliminate all distractions and possible interruptions when you’re communicating with her.  That means, no cell phone, turn off the television, turn off the music, or whatever could potentially hinder you from being fully engaged with her.  The message you’re communicating to her: “I’m listening to you.”

3. Third, focus on her feelings, not her problems.  Ask her, “What are you feeling?” or “How does that make you feel?” Ask yourself (or if you’re bold, even ask her), “Do you want me to SIT (and listen) or SOLVE (and resolve) as you share your feelings with me?”  Nine times out of 10, your wife just wants you to listen as she expresses herself; so, give her the space to do that.  The message you’re communicating to her: “Your feelings matter to me.”

4. Fourth, acknowledge her feelings after she expresses them. Tell her, “Let me make sure I understand how you feel? You feel like... (whatever you think she’s trying to express).” It doesn’t even matter if you’re wrong, if you’re showing her you’re trying to get it right.  Trust me, she will admire and respect the effort.  The message you’re communicating to her: “I want to understand you better.”

The most important thing to remember when it comes to understanding your wife’s emotional needs, is that LISTENING to her feelings can help solve her problem; but trying to SOLVE her problem before listening to her feelings can potentially hurt her feelings.

You Need to "Learn Your Wife" Before Learning How A Man Should Love His Wife

I have four (4) additional things you can do, not only to “love” your wife better, but to “learn” your wife better by gaining a better understanding of her emotional needs.  The key here is to do this consistently.

As often as you can, ask your wife four (4) questions whenever you think the timing is appropriate.  I would suggest whenever both of you settle down to relax, rest, or before you go to sleep. Simply ask her:

1. What were you most thankful for today?  Asking this question will get her to focus on the what’s good in her life, even if she had a bad day.  

2. What was your biggest struggle today?  Asking this question allows you to show your concern for her emotional well-being.

3. What/How can I pray for you tonight?  Asking this question allows her to be vulnerable with you about her fears, doubts, and/or insecurities.

4. What do you want to ask me, but you’ve been afraid to?  Asking her this question can be scary, but it’s necessary; it allows your wife to feel safe and more secure in her relationship with you – which addresses her greatest emotional need. 

You don’t have to ask all of these questions, every day, but at least try to get in the habit of asking one or two of them consistently.

And if you want to mix it up even more, try asking her some of these additional questions:

1. What made you mad/angry today; and why? (Goal: to understand her emotions)

2. What do you think about _______, and what would you have done? (Goal: to get her opinion/wisdom and show her you value it)

3. What did I do today to make you feel unloved, unprotected, or uncared for? (Goal: to address her safety and security concerns/needs)

4. What are you most excited about this week, month, etc.? (Goal: to show her you’re interested in what interests her)

Loving Your Wife = Being Present In Her Life And Acknowledging Her Daily Emotions

Understanding your wife’s emotional needs doesn’t necessarily mean you have to meet all of them.  In fact, the Bible tells us in Philippians 4:13, “My God will supply all of our needs according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus.” So, God doesn’t require us to meet all the emotional needs of our wives; he simply commands us to try to understand their emotional needs better.  

And by being physically and mentally present with your wife; focusing on and acknowledging her feelings; and consistently asking her questions like the ones I outlined earlier, I can assure you that you will understand your wife’s emotional needs better than not trying to understand them at all.