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Biblical Marriage Advice: How to Get into Your Wife’s Head

Christian Marriage Advice For Husbands

Communication amongst husband and wives has long been a point of confusion. Especially for men. So many men are dying to know how to get in their wife's head so that they can show her more support, and stop feeling like they are missing the "master puzzle piece" that constantly eludes them.

Do you know the scariest question a woman (especially a wife) can ever ask a man?  Give up?  Well, let me help you out. “Can you tell me how you feel?”  Does that help a little?  And a close second that most mortal men fear is:

“So, what are you thinking about right now?”

And if truth be told, most of us would either say, “money, work, food, sex, women (I guess that’s the same thing), or nothing.”  As you can see, a simple, short, and straightforward list of items.  That’s it.  

Biblical Marriage Advice

Biblical Marriage Advice - Understanding That Women Think Differently and That’s Ok

For women however, if you asked the same question, “What are you thinking about?” Not only would she be excited to tell you; you probably couldn’t process it fast enough to make much sense of it anyway.

In fact, I think the only thing worse than asking your wife, “What are you thinking about?” is to have your wife get mad at you (when she’s upset) for you not knowing what she’s thinking or how she’s feeling.  Tip: A “nothing’s wrong” response from a wife always means “something’s wrong.”   

1 Peter 3:7 says, “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

In essence, Peter is challenging us to not only “love” our wives, but to also “learn” our wives. 

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Gain The Wisdom You Desire from Traditional Biblical Marriage Advice

So, how does a husband not only pursue his wife’s heart, but also learn how to read her mind so that he can improve his christian marriage?  Is it even possible? Well, quite frankly, no – not in your own strength; however, if you lean and rely on the Holy Spirit of God, you’ll be quite surprised how much better you can become at it. 

James 1:5 says, “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” 

The Holy Spirit is there to lead and guide us in all truth; and that also includes learning and understanding our wives better when we really lean into the biblical marriage advice that's available to us as christian men.

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Biblical Marriage Tips: How To Understand Your Wife More With The "M-I-N-D" Technique

I want to share with you four (4) M-I-N-D questions you can ask the Holy Spirit to learn and pursue your wife’s heart, so you can better meet her emotional needs in an understanding way. 

Biblical Marriage Advice, Tip 1:

M: What am I MISSING here?

It’s not about what your wife says, but more times than not, it’s about what she doesn’t say that proves to be more impactful.  So, beyond her words, ask the Holy Spirit, “What didn’t she say that I could have missed?” 

One day, my wife interrupted a meeting I was having to tell me, “Honey, my dad sounds really down, so I’m going over to his house to see him; I’ll be back later.” And I initially responded, “Okay, I’ll see you when you get back.” Then I asked God, “Am I missing something?” And before my wife could pull out of the garage, I approached her and asked, “Baby, do you want me to go over there with you?”  

And without hesitation, she replied, “Honey, could you please?” and I was shocked. I was thinking, all she had to do was ask me, but she didn’t, and I almost missed it; all because I was only listening to her words, not her heart.

If you’re like me, and you’re prone to “missing” your wife’s cues, get in the habit of asking her follow-up questions to her initial responses, such as whether she’d like you to help her with a task, whether she needs you to take care of a task for her entirely, or whether she’s worried, tired, or upset about something.

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Biblical Marriage Advice, Tip 2:

I: What can I INITIATE before she asks me to do it?

You know what a woman likes more than going out on a date, visiting her friends, shopping, eating out, going on vacation, or in other words, “doing stuff”?  It’s when her husband actually initiates all that “stuff,” especially when it’s the stuff she doesn’t want to do but needs to do; as well as the stuff she hasn’t even thought about doing but knows she probably should do.

Even if your wife is better than you at planning or making decisions, every once in a while, give her a break by taking the initiative–especially when it comes to spiritual matters and spending time with the family. This is part of what it means to pursue your wife’s heart.

For instance, what do you think would happen if you initiated prayer, a family outing, going to church, a warm hug, planning a date with her, family devotionals, holding her hand in public, or even hiring a babysitter? It’ll probably shock her. And the more surprised she is by your actions, the longer she’s probably been waiting for you to do it. So, try to anticipate what you can initiate with her and for her.

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Biblical Marriage Advice, Tip 3:

N: What does she NEED from me right now?

If you really want to get into the mind and heart of your wife, simply ask the Holy Spirit, “What does my wife need from me right now?”  If you quiet your mind, you’ll be pleasantly surprised when you allow God to speak to you through the Holy Spirit giving you wisdom that you didn’t even know you had.

Understand, this isn’t about knowing your wife’s needs perfectly, but rather about pursuing her heart faithfully. So, whenever you see your wife at her most vulnerable, ask the Holy Spirit, “What does she need from me right now?” 

Unfortunately, I’ve had to learn this question the hard way, because whenever I thought my wife wanted me to solve her problem, all she really needed from me was to sit and listen. 

Now whenever I see my wife really struggling emotionally, I ask, “God, what does she need from me right now, physically, emotionally, spiritually, or even socially?” Does she need a hug or a kiss on the forehead? Does she need to feel safe, affirmed, adored, or encouraged? Does she need me to pray with her? Does she need time alone or to go hang out with her girlfriends? Does she need me to sit (and listen), serve (and support), or solve (and advise)?

Remember, it’s not about focusing on what’s wrong with your wife, or what happened to her (she’ll probably tell you that), but rather about focusing on what she needs from you in the moment.  I promise you, if you do this and act on the answer, she will think you’re a mind reader; but you’re secretly a heart seeker.

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Biblical Marriage Advice, Tip 4:

D: What can I DO to help her right now?

You work hard, and your wife works hard, whether in the home or outside of it.  And when you add children to the equation, the work seems even more challenging.  Instead of comparing your schedule to your wife’s schedule, try to be more intentional about making her work and role schedule a little less stressful, by asking the Holy Spirit, “God, what can I do right now to lighten my wife’s workload?”

I must confess, this is my “go-to” with my wife. My wife and I are both self-employed, running separate businesses. We both work crazy hours. And it seems neither one of us understands how stressful the other person’s job is. A lot of our “intense fellowships” start with the other being just plain tired. When that happens, I ask God again: “What can I do to help Tonya?”

“What can I do to lighten her load, reduce her burden, or take something off her plate? What can I do that would make her life easier?” It could be something as simple as putting the dishes away after dinner, folding the clothes after she does laundry, or just getting dinner started before she gets home. 

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Worthwhile Advice That Will Enhance The Overall Happiness Of Your Marriage

The key here is intentionality and being proactive, rather than reactive.  Trust me, there’s always things that need to be done in the house, around the house, and for the family that would mean a lot to your wife if you did them for her.

I know this may sound like additional work for you, and it is, but it also might inspire your wife to do things for you to lighten your workload (without you even asking). Of course, that’s not WHY you’re doing it, but it’s one good reason TO do it.  This is all part of the process of learning to understand your wife better and pursuing her heart.

But let’s get real, even if all your attempts at learning and understanding your wife better fails, and you still don’t know what’s going on in your wife’s head, nothing beats you simply asking her the questions you have in yours and telling her what’s on your mind BEFORE she asks you.

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