How To Deal With Your Wife Hating You
You were caught red handed. Yes, you did it; there’s no denying it. Your wife resents y0u. Your secret has finally been uncovered, and your wife knows it. You are guilty of ____________ - you can fill in the blank:
Looking at porn
Sext-ting another woman
Having an emotional affair
Cheating on your wife
Hiding and spending money without her knowledge
Lying about what you and your friends did or where you went
Broke your promise to not drink, gamble, or do drugs
Contacting your ex-girlfriend
Or maybe it’s something else.
But result is the same; you now have to confess to your wife the whole truth and nothing but the truth. To prevent further damage, you have to come clean. But like the famous line of Jack Nicholson in the movie “A Few Good Men,” you’re afraid, you are convinced that you wife hates you and believe, “She can’t handle the truth.”
If You Want To Win Back Your Wife's Trust, You Need To Start With A Full Confession.
Confessing our guilt to anyone is tough, but confessing our guilt to our wives is on another whole level. Because the “what ifs” start to creep in:
What if she starts crying and breaks down emotionally?
What if she doesn’t accept my apology?
What if the truth sends her into a rage?
What if she tells the kids about what I did?
What if she asks me to move out?
What if she doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore?
What if she asks for a divorce and chooses to end our marriage?
What To Do When Your Wife Hates You - 9 Tips To Fixing Your Marriage
When it comes to confessing your sin(s) to your wife, allow me to offer you 9 proven strategies that we’ve taught the men in our organization to use. I’m not saying these 9 things are guaranteed to fix what you’ve broken, but it will definitely facilitate the healing process and start to repair the trust that was broken in your marriage.
Tip 1 - Pray for God's wisdom, discernment, and grace when confessing and apologizing.
When I say “God’s wisdom,” I’m referring to His truth, not yours. So, when you’re confessing to your wife, ask yourself, “The words and the language I’m using, are they aligned with God’s word, His truth or just my feelings?”
When I say “God’s discernment,” I’m referring to His timing, not yours. Ask yourself, “Does God want me to have this discussion with my wife right now? Is she ready to receive the truth from me? Am I ready to speak to whole truth?”
And then pray for God’s grace to believe in His favor, trust in His strength, His power, and the appropriate words to use during your confession. Ask yourself, “Am I willing to allow, trust, and depend on God to speak through me?”
Tip 2 - Read Psalm 51
Don’t just read this powerful Psalm from King David, meditate on it and study it during your next Quiet Time with God. Try to learn from David’s repentance AFTER he committed adultery with Bathsheba.
As you read it, notice what David says and doesn’t say when talking to God about his sins. Look at David’s focus, and then examine his heart as he confesses to God. This will prepare you for the next step.
Tip 3 - Approach your wife in a spirit of humility and brokenness.
This is critical. James 4:6:8 says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” So, accept FULL and TOTAL responsibility for your actions. Don’t make any excuses; don’t shift blame; don’t try to justify your actions; and don’t try to defend yourself and your choices.
For example, when you’re confessing to your wife, in your confession, there should be no mention of any other person other than you and the one you committed your sin(s) with.
Tip 4 - Confess the ROOT of your sin to your wife (i.e., what God calls it), NOT the details of your sin.
The truth is, you don't have to tell your wife EVERYTHING, but you do have to be HONEST about EVERYTHING. Don't lie to her. Everything you want to tell your wife isn't everything she needs to know or hear; and some details can potentially be used by the enemy (Satan) as a weapon to torment and torture her in her mind and imagination; so, use discernment.
For example, confessing adultery is one thing, but describing how the woman looked and the sexual acts you performed with her is unnecessary. Likewise, admitting to watching porn is one thing, but describing the women you most like to see naked and have sex with is unnecessary.
Tip 5 - Identify specifically WHO you've sinned against.
Going back to King David’s confession in Psalm 51, take notice of the order of his confession. David said that He sinned against God, and God alone. Use David’s confession as a starting point with your confession to your wife.
Consider first that your sin grieved the heart of God, then your wife, then your children (if you have any), and then anyone else. And then admit and confess this to your wife with contrition and sincere remorse.
2 Cor. 7:10 says, “Godly sorry produces a repentance (change of heart) that leads to salvation (freedom in Christ) without regret (shame or guilt), whereas worldly sorrow produces death (bondage and condemnation).”
Tip 6 - Ask your wife for forgiveness AND mercy.
Asking forgiveness is asking your wife NOT to hold your sin/offense against you. And asking her for mercy is asking her NOT to give you what you deserve for your sin/offense.
Again, go back and review Psalm 51. David not only asked for forgiveness, but he also let God know that he deserved death for his sins, and God would be justified in that decision. So, he cried out and begged for both - forgiveness AND mercy. You should do the same with your wife.
Tip 7 - Honestly answer ALL and ANY questions your wife has about your sin(s).
Don't withhold or hide any truth from her. But make sure you ask that she allows the Holy Spirit to lead her questions for the truth. For example, you can say something like this to your wife, "I will honestly answer ANY question you have, but please ask the Holy Spirit if it's a question you REALLY need to know the answer to."
Remember, everything your wife wants to know, she doesn't necessarily need to know. The details she “thinks” she needs to know may potentially become ammunition the enemy uses later to attack her mind and thoughts. And because of her present emotional condition, she may be unaware of the potential dangers, so remind her that the devil is in the details.
Tip 8 - Assure your wife that you're willing to do WHATEVER it takes to rebuild her trust and for HOWEVER LONG it takes.
Resist getting frustrated, angry, and impatient if she's not healing as fast as you think she should after you confess. You can’t rush another person’s healing, only prolong it with impatience.
Allow her to have her good and bad days and to ride an emotional rollercoaster as she deals with her pain HER way, not yours. Don't put her on a time limit to heal (i.e., take off your watch). At the minimum, give her as much time to heal as you took to hurt, mistreat, and deceive her.
Tip 9 - Ask your wife in your most humble and contrite voice: What do you need from me right now?
Then ask her for permission to pray with and for her; but also give her the option to decline if she's not ready. And if she agrees to allow you to pray for her, pray something like the prayer below:
"Lord, I ask you again to forgive me for the sins I committed against You, (your wife's name), and (name of family members). God, I know what I deserve, and I plead that You don't give me Your justice - which I know is death, but rather give me Your mercy - which is redemption and restoration. Father, I pray that You supernaturally heal her wounded heart, and give her Your divine ability to trust me again, in all things. Most of all, help her to trust Your Holy Spirit working in me and through me. I know I have not been worthy of that trust, and I've violated it; so, I confess that violation before You. Help me not be that old man anymore. Make me Lord to always be worthy of (your wife's name) trust. And show me how to convince her that I am in partnership with You and will do all I can to be trustworthy. Help me be the kind of spiritual leader of our home she and the kids need me to be. Increase our faith, for I know You are a shield to those who put their trust in You. I say this on behalf of (your wife's name) that You are our refuge and our fortress. You are our God, and in You we will trust."
Confessing To Your Wife Will Heal You Both So You Can Start To Move Forward
Confessing our sins to one another is never easy to do, but God commands us to do it, as well as tells us the benefit of doing it in James 5:16 – “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”
Not only will confessing to your wife begin to heal her heart and your marriage, more importantly, like King David, it will begin to heal you and restore your personal relationship with God.
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