How I Started Dating Again After My Divorce
"What's the one thing that everyone seems to want, complains about having, but can't seem to live without?"
No, it's not sex. No, it's not a job. And no, it's not food. It's a relationship.
And that shouldn't surprise you, because God made us human "beings" for a reason. We cannot live without "being" in relationship with other human beings. Think about it, God even made us for Himself because He desired to have a relationship with us. That in itself should make you pause for a moment in humble amazement.
So, it shouldn’t surprise you that one of the first questions Christian men ask me after they’ve gone through a divorce is, “How do I start dating again after enduring a painful divorce and how can I make the next relationship last?” In other words, they want to know what Christian dating will look like for them after a divorce.
And I don’t blame them. Other than having to accept the painful reality of being divorced after 16 years of marriage, I wasn’t confident about dating again as a Christian man, let alone ever seeing myself being married again.
Do The Emotional Groundwork Before Dating Again
Now, 18 years later, and 12 years into my second marriage, I’ve learned a lot, not only about Christian dating after a divorce, but also how much I didn’t know about dating, marriage, and spiritually leading a family as a Christian man. And like most who’ve survived a divorce, I’ve found myself echoing the stereotypical cliché of most divorcees, “If I only knew then what I know now.”
But for the scope of this article, I’m not going to talk the about the numerous mistakes I made in my first marriage; instead, I’m going to share what I learned about Christian dating that helped me not only to find love again, but also helped me learn more about myself in the process. And in turn, I hope what I share with you will give you hope, make you wiser, and better prepare you for Christian dating success.
The advice I’m going to share with you about Christian dating after a divorce will not only be based on my personal experience, but also on my 9 years of professional experience as a leader of a global Christian Men’s organization (Real Men Connect, Inc.). Apply your own wisdom to my advice, and take what you need, and hopefully you’ll experience similar after-divorce, dating success like I did.
Starting A New Relationship After Your Christian Divorce? You May Benefit From A New Approach
First of all, when it comes to Christian dating after a divorce, I believe we (as Christians) have to change our perspective on dating -- a perspective that is usually counterintuitive to the culture.
For instance…
Cultural Advice: “Wait for Mr/Ms. Right.”
Christian Advice: “Work on becoming Mr/Ms. Right.”
Cultural Advice: “Test the waters to see what’s out there.”
Christian Advice: “Test the person to see if they’re worth pursuing.”
Cultural Advice: “Find someone who completes you and you complete them.
Christian Advice: “Find someone who’s complete without you, and you’re whole without them.”
Cultural Advice: “Look for sexually compatibility.”
Christian Advice: “Look for spiritual compatibility.”
Cultural Advice: “Don’t ever settle, look for the mate what you want.”
Christian Advice: “Don’t settle, ask God for the kind of mate you need.
Ironically, dating is not even a biblical construct. However, we should at least try to adopt the mind of Christ (or a biblical worldview) when it comes to dating. Society, in general (at least in America), views dating as a “numbers’ game.”
In other words, try to date as many women as you can, for as long as you can; sleep with as many women as you can; and if possible, try to live with as many as you can (i.e., play house), so you can make sure you find the “right one,” or at least avoid the “wrong one.” Of course, this isn’t always the case, but I think it’s darn near close to the norm.
Dating As A Christian After Divorce Will Take Healing & Time
Prior to my divorce, at age 38, I hadn’t dated since I was 16. But after my divorce, I was blessed to have a great team of godly, married men around me to guide me through the process and get back on course to dating again.
The first thing I decided to do was to change how I viewed dating. My addiction to porn and sex had destroyed my first marriage, so I already knew I was at risk of putting myself, my sobriety, and another woman in danger if I DIDN’T change my perspective on dating.
So, I decided to not DATE women, but rather to INTERVIEW them instead. Because I was a pseudo-public figure, everyone and their cousin was trying to “hook me up” with a woman. But I had to let them know upfront that I wasn’t looking to casually date, hook up with a woman, search for female friends, or even to get married. So, if I was indeed going to “date” any woman, I was going to treat it more like a job interview or audition for a second date with me.
I know that sounds arrogant, but I was more concerned about my sobriety and soul care than I was about getting involved in another relationship. So, to avoid temptation, poor judgment, and bad decisions, I “interviewed” every woman I went out with (16 total before I met my wife, Tonya) to find out ONE thing: Is she wife material?
Although I wasn’t necessarily looking for a wife, I figured why waste my time and jeopardize my sexual sobriety on a woman I wouldn’t even consider marrying. I would only agree to ask her for (or accept) a second date with her IF she met my qualifications/standards for being my future wife.
Since I was already successfully single (I think this is key in Christian dating), I wasn’t desperate, or like the young people say, “thirsty” to find a companion. In other words, God knew I wasn’t looking to get married, but I wanted God to know I was still open to it – if the right woman came along. So, I adopted the INTERVIEWING over DATING perspective.
As a result, out of the 16 women I dated, two made it to a second date; I dated one for a year; and the other (Tonya) I married after dating her off and on and no one else (that’s for another article) for 4½ years. And during that time, I was able to maintain my sexual sobriety, until I met Tonya (that’s for another article). So, no, it wasn’t the perfect, happy, Christian marriage ending, but it’s the truth.
Biblical Dating After Divorce - My Personal Process Went Like This
So, allow me to quickly share what I did during the INTERVIEW process, and what I learned during the actual DATING process.
I might be giving you the wrong impression that I was torturing these women while I was “date interviewing” them. But no, it was just the contrary, most of the women seemed to love it, because they were pleasantly surprised to find a mind who wanted to find out more about them than talk about himself.
During my “dating interview” process, there were four (4) primary things I wanted to uncover. I’m not saying these four things have to be yours, but years of experiences, successes and failures, and tons of research assured me that these four (4) things would let me know if any woman was worth a second date; and more importantly, if they were wifey material.
Christian Dating After Divorce, Question #1: Who does she depend on for ACCOUNTABILITY?
I wanted to find out what older, wiser, spiritually mature woman did she have speaking into her life who could hold her accountable to OUR marriage if I ever pursued a relationship with her. I didn’t just ask the question directly, but I would ask questions leading to the answer.
I wanted to know what kind of relationship she had with her mother or some older woman in her life. In other words, “Where did she learn to be a woman, a wife, a friend?” “Who was the blueprint for her learning how to support a man, correct a man, and respect a man?” “How successful was that woman in her current relationship?” “How wise was that woman?”
I wanted to know what kind of influence did that woman have in her life? What level of respect did she have for that woman? And how of often does she talk to that woman? I wanted to know that if we were in a relationship, and she was unwilling to talk or listen to me, I wanted to know WHO she would listen to, and I could I trust them to give her wisdom and wise counsel. My belief was that a person who has no accountability can’t be counted on.
And if she didn’t have a woman like that in her life, then I wouldn’t even consider pursuing a second date with her. Harsh? Maybe, but wise.
Christian Dating After Divorce, Question #2: What’s MOST IMPORTANT to her?
Next, I needed to find out what was most important to her and were her priorities in sync with mine. In addition, I wanted to see if there was fruit in her life that proved that she loved God more than any man or even her desire to be married.
Even before the Holy Spirit revealed to me the importance of accountability, one of the first things God spoke to my heart in dating was to make sure that whoever I chose to date, she should be a woman who loved Him more than anyone else.
We've been reared and steered to believe that the perfect mate for us is the person who would love us with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and in return, we would do the same. But God was telling me just the opposite. The Holy Spirit revealed to me that the only person my future wife should love with all of her heart, soul, mind, and strength was Him.
So how would you know if your date loves God more than you? Easy, you simply ask them an innocent, but revealing question: "What are your top three (3) priorities in life?" In other words, "What's most important to you, and prioritize them for me?"
Assuming your date is being honest, what their answers will reveal is HOW your values may possibly differ from theirs and the potential areas of conflict in your relationship in the future.
But I also said I would also try to examine the “fruit of her relationship” with God. So, what kind of fruit was I looking for?
Well, there are many fruit to examine, but I'll share with you the strategy I used in revealing them. I simply examined her relationship with God as if it was an actual physical relationship with a man. In other words, I looked for answers to questions like:
How much TIME does she spend with God?
How often does she COMMUNICATE with Him and how?
How much does she actually LISTEN to Him?
How willing is she to seek FORGIVENESS from Him when she's done wrong?
How much does she DEPEND on Him for guidance and wisdom?
How often does she SHARE her joy of God with others?
How much does she seem to TRUST God in the uncertainties of her life?
Again, if I wasn’t satisfied with what I learned about her, there wouldn’t be a second date.
Christian Dating After Divorce, Question #3: How and will she make me a better man?
After comparing priorities, I wanted to find out if my date, and potential wife, could take me higher, deeper, closer and farther in my walk with Christ – at least farther than I could ever go by myself.
Before I began my Christian dating journey, I spent time in prayer asking God to reveal to me what I needed to look for in a potential wife in a way I could communicate it to my dates without coming off too creepy or “too spiritual.” And amazing enough, God inspired me to write a poem to make sure I never forgot what to look for on a date. Then I realized that the poem actually reinforced #2 and #3. If you’d like a copy of that poem, just email at joe@realmenconnect.com and ask for the “Can You Take Me Higher?” poem.
I shared that poem with every woman I dated, including Tonya, whenever they asked me ‘What was I looking for in a woman,’ and the reactions and responses I received varied:
"Boy, you scare me."
"Wow, that's impressive, but I'm afraid that's not me."
"What have I gotten myself into?"
"There's no way I can live up to something like that."
"Don't you think that's expecting a little too much?"
"Man, you have very high standards."
"What do I possibly have to offer someone like you?" (Tonya's response)
None of these responses really surprised me. Well, maybe the "you scare me" one did. But I knew most women wouldn't understand why I would write such a poem. But many times, when God gives YOU a word, it's not meant for everyone to fully understand, but you.
Christian Dating After Divorce, Question #4: Is she capable of loving me in spite of, not just until?
Finally, I wanted to find out if the woman I dated would stick, stand, stay, and love me "in spite of, not until," by mercifully forgiving my past sins as well as my future mistakes.
Two years after my divorce and after I started dating again, I became paralyzed with anxiety. I'm not talking about the normal nervousness that comes from not having dated since I was 16. No, I'm talking about the nervousness that comes with a past full of baggage that I didn't want anyone to know about.
As I mentioned earlier, I had been unfaithful to my first wife of 16 years; and the result was a devastating divorce that left me alone, depressed, and worried if I'd ever be loved or trusted again.
One reason I was so reluctant and so nervous about dating was because I knew once I started, EVERY woman I dated was going to ask me the million-dollar question: "Why did you and your ex-wife get a divorce?" This wasn't a question I could avoid; and it wasn’t a question I could lie about if I was ever fortunate enough to meet "the one." So, I had to tell EVERY woman about my past.
People Process Divorce Differently
Surprisingly enough, most women I dated did not respond and react to my admission of guilt as I thought they would. In fact, they were compassionate, concerned, empathetic, and even comforting. It was truly a pleasant surprise. I even told one of my best friends about the whole experience.
I told him, "I can't believe how most of the women have responded to my past mistakes. I thought most would judge me and do everything they could to distance themselves from me like a contagious disease." But my friend said something to me that shook me to my core.
He said, "Joe, I'm not really surprised that the women you've dated have responded so mercifully to your past. It's always easier to forgive others if you weren't the one who was betrayed; they're not your ex-wife. They didn't have to endure the pain and hurt of your betrayal; of course they can forgive you. However, the woman you're looking for as a potential wife won't be the one who can forgive your PAST, she will have to be the kind of woman who will also be able to forgive your FUTURE."
Wow! He was absolutely right. Although the women I met were shocked and concerned about my past sins, they weren't holding them against me; because I didn't betray them. I was happy with their acceptance of me, but I was missing the bigger picture. What about the future?
Equipped with this knowledge, I realized that I needed to find a woman who would love me enough to forgive my future, not just my past. In other words, I needed someone who would love me in spite of, not just until I broke their heart, betrayed them, or hurt them.
Starting Dating After A Divorce Is Different For Each One of Us
So, those were the four (4) primary things I used during my Christian dating interview process. Of course, you may choose NOT to use any of them during your dating journey, but the end results speak for themselves. I was able to successfully date, and find the second love of my life, without sleeping around, breaking hearts, getting my heart broken, or becoming hard hearted towards marriage.
I believe when we know better, we tend to do better. Unfortunately, most of us who are recovering from a divorce didn't know any better; because we were never shown a better way. Well now you have another option to consider as you start your Christian dating process. I pray that you take this process seriously, because God certainly does.
Humbly ask Him to reveal to you the validity and wisdom behind this simple approach; then just obey the Holy Spirit as it leads you.
Are you struggling on your Christian marriage, filled with guilt over adultery or are even separated from your wife? I can help. Book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL and let's talk about how myself and my Real Men 300 team can support you.