Our Calling as Christian Husbands
Almost every man wished there was an instruction manual when it comes to being a husband. Ironically, there is an indisputable instruction manual for Christian husbands, called the Bible; but unfortunately, most Christian men never learn how to apply it to their marriage even though it will without a doubt help them to become a better husband.
Why? Because most of as men suffer from an undiagnosed learning disability called ABT (Ain’t Been Taught). That’s right, most of us were never taught how to love and lead a wife the way God intended.
That’s not a knock on us as men; it’s just an inconvenient truth. Growing up in a home where there is a Christian man who models biblical manhood and “husband hood” is an exception, not the rule. So, most Christian men, at least like me, had to learn how to do it through trial and error. And unfortunately for me, and my ex-wife, most of my trials in my first marriage ended up in error.
Better Husbands Use The Teachings In The Bible For Guidance, But They Also Need These 5 Things
It's one thing to know what the Bible says about our role and responsibilities as a Christian husband and being the spiritual leader of our homes, but it’s another to know how to apply those instructions to your marriage. So, allow me to share with you some practical advice I share with the men in our brotherhood called the Real Men 300.
If the letters “B-I-B-L-E” indeed stand for “Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth,” then let’s see what it has to say about loving and leading our wives, and how do we can move it from the biblical to the practical.
How To Become a Better Christian Husband, Step 1
First, Genesis 2:18 tells us, “Then the LORD God said, `It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.’”
Most of us are familiar with this verse, but how can we apply this rule to our role as a husband?
I had to learn this lesson the hard way after my first marriage. I first had to stop misinterpreting that verse when it came to marriage.
I grew up in a home with a lot of trauma; an absent Dad who abandoned us, and an emotionally disconnected teenage Mom who struggled to survive her own trauma. So, not only did I not receive the love of a father, but I was also missing the nurturing love of a mother as well. I was emotionally starving.
So when I met my first wife, I knew what the Bible said, “it was not good for man to be alone;” but I didn’t look for a Helper “suitable” for me; instead, I looked for a woman who would be a “replacement” for my mother and God. So, I idolized my wife, and she became my God.
If you really want to be a successful Christian husband, then start by looking for a woman who will help you love God more, not replace God in your life. One way to determine that is to honestly ask yourself, “Am I more concerned about pleasing her than I am about pleasing and glorifying God?”
In other words, don’t ever settle for a woman who’s willing to let you love her more than you love God. And never expect anyone outside of God to fully satisfy you, even your wife.
How To Become a Better Christian Husband, Step 2
Secondly, in Matthew 22:37, Jesus said to the Pharisees (the religious leaders), `You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’
Allow me to put this in context so you can apply this, practically, in your marriage. Here’s the verse in its entirety (Matt 22:34-40):
Matt 22:36-40 -``Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" And Jesus said to him, ```YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.' ``This is the great and foremost commandment. ``The second is like it, `YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.' ``On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets."
Although the scripture is very clear here as Jesus states the two MOST IMPORTANT commandments in the Bible, we, as Christian husbands, often fail to see the simplicity of applying this rule in our marriages.
Allow me to explain; look at second great commandment, “You shall love your NEIGHBOR as you do yourself.” Do you see it? Let me ask you, if you’re a Christian husband, WHO is your CLOSEST neighbor?” That’s right, your wife, unless you’re sleeping with your neighbor’s wife and not your own. That’s a joke.
In other words, practical application tells us that we shouldn’t treat anyone better than we treat ourselves and our wives. However, if you observe most marriages, and most people’s lives, and you think about some of the harsh things we say and do to ourselves and our wives, we wouldn’t dare say and do some of those things to total strangers.
There should be no one we speak to, treat, act kinder, and more loving towards than our wives and ourselves; because in God’s eyes, we should be one with our wives.
When I first got married, I had never been around a successfully married couple, let alone a godly one. And based on the “males” I was exposed to growing up in my community – drug dealers, gang banders, womanizers, pimps, hustlers, and manipulators, all I knew is what kind of man and husband I DIDN’T want to be. But treating and loving my wife the way I wanted to be loved and treated would’ve been a good start.
How To Become a Better Christian Husband, Step 3
Thirdly, Matthew 6:33 Jesus says, ``But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
Most Christian husbands would have you believe that the biggest threat to our marriages is Satan, the Evil One; the deceiver, the accuser of the brethren, and the prince of lies. However, the truth is Jesus defeated Satan on the cross, and the devil no longer has power over us and our marriages – other than the power of suggestion to try to destroy our marriages by distracting us from the truth.
So, why, according to statistics, more than half of marriages, including Christian marriages, end in divorce? It’s not because of Satan, but rather because of selfishness.
When couples recite the following vows on their wedding day, “I take my spouse, to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith,” the problem is we get selective hearing. We only hear “for better, for richer, and in health to love,” and forget the “for worse, for poorer, in sickness, till death” part.”
And the “for worse” part may include lying, cheating, addiction, mismanagement of money, arguments, long-term unemployment, disagreements on raising the children, in-laws, unforgiveness, no sex, emotional detachment, and anything else that may arise in a typical marriage.
The Bible says seek FIRST God’s kingdom and HIS righteousness, and ALL THINGS will be added to us. In practical terms, that means, pursing God’s desire for our holiness, not our own happiness; that means spiritually leading our wives by example, not excuses; that means pursuing God’s desires for our marriage (to glorify Him) over our selfish desires for a pain-free life; that means living to please God more than pleasing ourselves; that means loving and leading our wives by faith, not our feelings. And God said if we do, ALL THINGS will be added to us.
How To Become a Better Christian Husband, Step 4
Fourthly, Ephesians 5:25-27 commands us, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.”
Almost every Christian husband is familiar with this verse, but what does it really mean and how does it look to “give yourself up” for your wife? What does it mean to “sanctify her” with the word of God?
Practically speaking, “giving yourself up for her” means putting God’s desires and your wife’s needs above your own. Notice, I didn’t say your wife’s “wants,” I said her “needs.” That means her primary need to feel safe and secure in your relationship with her. That means to make her feel loved, appreciated, and understood. That means meeting her needs for intimacy with you beyond the physical. That means, being willing to crucify and resist your desire to protect your pride and ego. That means loving her the most when she deserves it the least. That means all the things Jesus was willing to do for us to save us.
And when it comes to “cleansing her” and “washing her” in the word, that simply means speaking and praying God’s word for her and with her. That means constantly and consistently reminding her of what God says about her and thinks towards her. That means, using God’s word to increase and strengthen her faith when she’s at her weakest and most vulnerable. But to do that, you have to know God’s word for yourself and become a walking example of it.
How To Become a Better Christian Husband, Step 5
Finally, when it comes to being a Christian husband, 1 Peter 3:7 tells us, “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”
Statistics tell us that the #1 reason most marriages end in divorce is because of the failure and breakdown in communication. This is true; but it’s true because most of us as Christian husbands don’t know how to apply 1 Peter 3:7 to our marriages.
The question is HOW do we live with our wives in an understanding way when women seem to be so complicated and more emotional than we are? This has been a problem since the beginning of time.
Yes, but one of the best, practical ways I’ve found to live with our wives in an understanding way is to focus more on LEARNING our wives than loving our wives. In other words, learn to connect emotionally before pursuing her physically. But how?
Here is a practical example:
Become a master at asking her more questions than she asks you. Questions like:
When do you feel most loved by me?
What are you most thankful for when it comes to us?
What’s most important to you in a marriage?
What scares you most when it comes to us?
What makes you feel the most safe and secure in our relationship?
What do you wish I would do more of when it comes to loving you?
What frustrates you most when we argue?
How can I best support you as a wife/mother/woman?
What would make our sex life more pleasurable for you?
What do you need to feel more emotionally connected to me?
What would you like to see us doing 10, 20, 30 years from now?
Instead of looking at your wife as a woman to be loved (which you should), also look at her as a woman (God’s daughter) to be learned, studied, and understood. And what you still don’t understand, ask God for help (James 1:5); and He promised that when you do, you will be showing honor to your wife and your prayers to Him will always be heard.
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Dr. Joe Martin is an award-winning international speaker, author, educator, and certified “man builder."
Whether you desire to develop a closer walk with God, love and lead your wife and family better, be a better steward of your finances, break a porn addiction, or build brotherhood bonds with other godly men, Dr. Joe Martin and his team of men will make sure you never have to do life alone again and that you never get left behind, regardless of where you’re starting.