Adultery, Divorce & My Thoughts on What The Bible Wants For Your Christian Marriage
“Why shouldn’t I divorce you? If I cheated on you like you cheated on me, and lied about it, would you want to still be married to me?”
I don’t think I was ever asked a tougher question than this than when I was desperate to save my marriage after my serial cheating. Nonetheless, I was expected to answer the question.
Having previously lied about everything except my name before I got caught, I knew I could no longer continue to lie to my first love and mother of my son if I ever had a chance at possibly saving and reconciling my marriage. So, I told her the truth.
Nervously, I said, “No, I wouldn’t want to be married to you anymore.” And with sadness in my voice, and tears in my eyes, I continued, “But I would cry out to God to show me what’s really in your heart, not just what you’ve done to me; and if you sincerely asked Him to show you mine, I know you wouldn’t divorce me; because if God showed me your heart, I know I couldn’t divorce you.” However as the 'story was to unfold', I lost my first love and that is why I am able to share my perspectives with you now.
How Is Divorce & Adultery In Christianity Viewed In The Bible?
Divorce is one of the most painful and life-altering decisions any couple can face, and the wounds of adultery often seem impossible to heal. Unfortunately, my ex-wife’s heart didn’t heal from it, and our 16-year marriage didn’t survive it.
And for many Christians, the betrayal of unfaithfulness may feel like an unrecoverable death blow and justification for ending a marriage. Because, for Christians, when it comes to God’s Word, His command and stance on adultery and divorce are very clear:
Exodus 20:14 - “You shall not commit adultery.”
Leviticus 20:10 - “If a man commits adultery with the wife of his neighbor, both the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.
Proverbs 6:32 - He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself.
Hebrews 13:4 - Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.
Matthew 5:27-28 - “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Matthew 5:31-32 - “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
Matthew 19:8-9 - He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart, Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. ‘And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”
Adultery Doesn't Have To End Your Christian Marriage, But I State This With A Caveat...
It’s obvious that God takes adultery and divorce very seriously, and so should we as Christian men. Adultery is a deeply spiritual matter with moral, relational, and eternal implications; however, adultery doesn’t necessarily have to be an automatic death sentence to a Christian marriage.
I believe scripture also challenges us to consider a higher calling: the redemptive power of grace, forgiveness, and restoration. While adultery deeply violates the sacred covenant of marriage, God’s Word also reminds us that His grace can heal even the most broken of relationships.
But at the risk of offending, minimizing, or being insensitive to the victims of adultery and emotional betrayal, I just want to make a biblical and spiritual argument for why a marriage CAN still be redeemed and restored even AFTER adultery.
If you are indeed a survivor of adultery or emotional betrayal, it’s not my intention to cause you any additional pain and suffering, but rather to try to encourage you in your faith and give you hope in the possible restoration of your marriage.
But before I do that, I must pre-qualify my appeal by making one HUGE assumption here. And that assumption is, before marriage healing and restoration can take place, I’m assuming, if you were the person who committed adultery, that you have already confessed (admitted to and accepted responsibility) and repented (turned away from) your sin; sought forgiveness from God and your betrayed spouse; and you have clearly communicated and taken specific, measurable steps towards rebuilding trust.
Adultery In Christianity - 5 Reasons Why I Believe Christians Shouldn’t Get a Divorce AFTER a Spouse Commits Adultery.
Just because God allows divorce, doesn’t necessarily mean God wants you to get a divorce or that you should.
Yes, adultery is one of the few situations where the Bible permits divorce (Matthew 19:9). However, it is not commanded, and many Christian couples choose to pursue reconciliation instead. The decision to divorce or reconcile should be made prayerfully, not emotionally, and by seeking God’s guidance and the counsel of trusted Christian leaders and mentors.
But if you shouldn’t get a divorce, then why does God even allow it or gives us permission in the first place? Well, Jesus answers this question in the previous verse in Matthew 19:8, “Because of your hardness of heart, Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.” A hardness of heart occurs when we allow our emotions to control our decision making instead of our faith.
The truth is, there’s a difference between God’s “perfect will” and God’s “permissive will.” It was never God’s perfect will for a spouse to break the sacred marriage covenant and commit adultery, and it was never God’s perfect will for a couple to get a divorce as a result.
However, since the fall of Adam and Eve in the Garden, it has been God’s permissive will to mend what is broken; to heal what is hurting; and to restore what is wrecked in relationships (including marriage) IF we are willing to believe, trust, and obey Him.
Paul even reminds us in Romans 8:28, “And we know that in ALL things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”
God declares in Malachi 2:16, “I hate divorce, says the Lord, the God of Israel.” This is not to ignore the pain of betrayal, but to emphasize the seriousness with which God views the marriage covenant. Choosing to honor this covenant, even in the face of infidelity, demonstrates obedience to God’s design for marriage and a commitment to the vows made before Him.
Rebuilding after adultery may be challenging, but it’s also an opportunity to reaffirm the covenant and trust God to restore what has been broken.
Reconciliation can demonstrate God’s love and give others (especially children) hope for whatever struggle they might inevitably face in their relationships.
One of the most compelling reasons to work toward reconciliation is God’s example of forgiveness towards us. Throughout the Bible, God uses marriage as a metaphor for His covenant relationship with His people. Despite Israel’s repeated unfaithfulness, God remained committed to His promises, extending forgiveness and calling them back to Him (Hosea 3:1).
And when it comes to our children, it’s one thing to teach them about the love and forgiveness of God, but there’s another to demonstrate the love and forgiveness of God in how we extend love to a spouse who has betrayed us by committing adultery.
As parents, we want our children to be happily married, hoping they find a spouse who will love them the way we do – faithfully, unconditionally, and sacrificially. But the truth of the matter is, we’re all human, which means we’re all capable of hurting others, even those we presumably love the most.
In Ephesians 4:32, Paul encourages us to “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” If God can forgive us for our sins—no matter how grievous—then we are called to extend that same forgiveness to our spouse. Adultery, while incredibly painful, can become an opportunity to reflect God’s grace in our marriage.
Choosing not to divorce after adultery allows God to demonstrate His redemptive power in our life, offering hope not only for us, but for others (including our children) who are watching our testimony of faith.
You will build up blessings and store up eternal rewards for yourself and for future generations to come.
When I was growing up in my inner-city hood, as the son of a 16-year-old, single, mother, I only had one friend who had a dad who lived in the home. His mom and dad were the only married couple I had ever met. And even their marriage had issues that were probably not the best examples for me to see as a child.
While divorce may seem like the easiest way out of the pain caused by adultery, it often leads to its own set of challenges and hurts. Divorce impacts not only the couple, but also their children, extended family, and friends. For believers, it can also bring spiritual consequences, including feelings of guilt, isolation, and broken fellowship with God.
My point is, generational divorce is real, and the fallout can be devastating and felt way beyond just the divorce. Think of it as throwing a pebble in the middle of a pond; yes, you can see the initial impact, but you can’t predict how far the emotional ripples of distrust, anger, resentment, fear, betrayal, disappointment, and hopelessness will reach and last or how it will impact others -- especially children.
The Bible reminds us in Deuteronomy 7:9, “Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations.”
No one wants to suffer or pay for a crime they didn’t commit (just ask Jesus), but God has made promises to those who do choose to endure and keep their covenant with Him in the midst of their pain and suffering:
Psalm 147:3 - “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
Psalm 34:18 - “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Trust that God can work in both of your hearts to bring healing and redemption, even in the midst of brokenness.
2 Corinthians 5:10 - For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil.
James 1:12 - Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.
1 Corinthians 2:9 - But, as it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him.”
Marriage isn’t just about our faithful love for our spouse, it’s also about our faithful devotion to God. And when it comes to suffering and enduring hardships (or heartbreak), Jesus reminds us in John 12:25, “Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.”
In other words, God will not allow the sacrifice you make to love, forgive, and stay married to a repentant spouse to be in vain; you WILL be blessed, and those you love as well will be blessed, whether in this lifetime or the next.
God promises to extend you the measure of grace and mercy you extend to others.
After my divorce, someone asked me on a radio interview, what was one of the biggest lessons I learned after my divorce? I thought for a minute, and as tough as that question was to answer, I told the host, “I didn’t really understand what ‘unconditional love’ really meant until I desperately needed it for myself. I learned that unconditional love is loving someone the most when they deserve it the least.”
If given a million years, I will never fully understand the pain and misery I caused my ex-wife because of my cheating. But one thing I know for sure, is how bad I felt afterwards when I saw how much it shattered her heart, hopes, and dreams. And I can honestly say, I wish she had done it to me (cheated), instead of me doing it to her.
Because when my son asked me how I could be angry with his mom for divorcing me after I committed adultery, I told him the truth by asking him a question. I asked him, “If a drunk driver caused an accident paralyzing a single mother from the neck down, killing her two young children who were sitting in the backseat, and that drunk driver walked away with just some minor cuts and bruises, which person would you rather be in that scenario?”
My son said without hesitation, “Dad, I’d rather be the woman, because if I was that man, I could never live with myself for what I did to her and her family.” Then with tears in my eyes, I told my son, “I’m angry, because I’m mad at myself; because I’m that drunk driver in that story who paralyzed your mom and killed our family.”
One of the most significant promises God makes is that He will forgive us when we forgive others (including ourselves). Jesus highlights this truth in the Lord’s Prayer:
“And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matthew 6:12).
He emphasizes this further in Matthew 6:14-15, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
Forgiveness is both a gift we receive and give. When we release others from their offenses (including adultery), we open our hearts to the fullness of God’s grace and mercy. Yes, you can forgive your spouse and still divorce your spouse after adultery, but you should ask God for wisdom on should you just forgive and divorce, or should you extend grace and mercy instead? In other words, if you were the drunk driver, what would YOU want to receive from God and the mother?
Allowing God to reconcile and restore your broken marriage will glorify and please Him more than you pursuing a new one.
After my first marriage ended, and I married Tonya a few years later, those closest to me were sincerely happy and overjoyed. They saw the work I had put in to get to the root of my emotional problems, by going through 7 years of addiction recovery and 3 years of counseling. They also saw me rededicate my life to Christ and seek mentoring and coaching from spiritually mature men. I was even able to make amends with my ex-wife in rebuilding trust while we co-parented our son.
Yes, God had truly turned my life around and redeemed what I thought was unsalvageable; and the new friends who God brought into my life, thought highly of the “new me.” So, when God blessed me with Tonya, everything seemed to have come full circle. My life was restored.
However, I noticed that people constantly celebrated my marriage on how great a couple we were and how great our redemption story was. And I was truly thankful to see how God gave our story a happy ending. And while I’m sure most men would be happy with how my life eventually turned out, I asked God to show me what I was NOT seeing, so I could better help men in the future.
That’s when God gently reminded me of the difference between His “perfect will” and His “permissive will.” And that’s when it hit me. Although I was happier than I had ever been in my life, after I married Tonya, I suddenly realized that according to God’s “perfect will,” my first wife was God’s best for me, and I forfeited it.
However, because of God’s “permissive will,” even though Tonya was not God’s best for me, He led me to her as a sign of His grace and mercy towards me, because I didn’t deserve a second chance at marriage. Remember, unconditional love is loving someone the most when they deserve it the least.
So, I tell people who celebrate my second marriage, that the only thing that would’ve been more glorifying and pleasing to God than me marrying Tonya, would’ve been me and my ex-wife reconciling our first marriage. Because remember, God hates divorce, even if He can redeem and restore your life after one.
Consequentially, adultery is a serious sin that deeply wounds both relationships and souls, but it is not beyond God’s power to redeem. Through confession, repentance, and reliance on God’s grace, individuals and couples can experience healing, restoration, and even growth.
For us as Christians, the call to forgiveness and reconciliation reflects God’s own faithfulness toward us. While the pain of adultery should never be minimized, the hope of redemption and renewal through Christ offers a way forward. Whether you are the betrayed or the offender, God’s grace is sufficient, and His love can bring beauty from ashes; I’m living proof of that.
Are you struggling on your Christian marriage, filled with guilt over adultery or are even separated from your wife? I can help. Book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL and let's talk about how myself and my Real Men 300 team can support you.